Monday, 17 November 2014

me

I don't know what i want to be,
 A little sad,but more happy may be
A little ambitious but more content may be
I want to cry a little yet laugh like crazy!
I want my own sunshine and some moonlight may be
But above all that i get,want or need in life

I just want to be me...the way i am
the way i will always be...:-)

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

Have and want : two sides of the same coin

One look at our lives(and I don't mean to generalize),and all I get to see,hear and feel is the throbbing of these things called 'have tos'.I have to finish this,I have to do this,I have to pick her up,I have to go there etc'.
It's good in a way,that our life is quite organised.We don't really 'have to' plan anything voluntarily,out of a sheer want or desire for them(you're lucky if you're on the other side of this!).

But on the flip side,it's really not that fun or interesting.Come to think of it,it doesn't even do anything for us,except keeps a check on the things that need to be done.
Are needs enough to sustain a quality life?Should life be a totally hand -to-mouth kind of a thing?

I don't know...and even if I did,I wouldn't endorse this view.We are as important as the world.After all,we make the world.The world doesn't make us.

If we have a huge list of 'shoulds,musts,haves' etc; well,someone created it in the first place.And lets not get God in the picture. 

So who is that someone?Again,a regular breathing,eating,drinking,working person-just like us.
You know what's important at work, for your boss or client, because someone told you, how things are done in the workplace and for the target person.

You know picking up your mother-in-law from the station/airport etc is utterly important because your wife/husband made it pretty clear that, it is.

It's a cycle.It goes on.But the fact also is,that it can end.And a new cycle of 'I want,I wish,I like' can begin if we understand that.

I'm not advocating a radical approach.I'm not saying that 'whatever needs to be done,is not important.I'm not saying that we should always have an 'I dont care' sort of attitude.
I'm simply saying,that while we are getting busier by the day,in just fulfilling requirements,including our own,we're forgetting the fact that there is a part of us that just simply wants or doesn't want to do something.A part that likes or doesn't like some things.
Wants will always clash with needs.
You may not 'want' to do something that someone else 'needs' or 'wants'  to be done.

It's just natural.

Yet,burying your own self every time,to achieve no greater good in the end,is not always the 'smart' thing to do.

One of the major reasons we feel that life is spread out is our inability to accommodate everything that surrounds us.However,we don't need to accommodate everything.

It's about balancing and filtering.So if some people around us are a bit happier than us(due the inadvertent comparison that we end up engaging in!),is probably because they are able to do a bit of both-what they have to and what they want to!

An absolutist approach towards anything is perhaps not the best.Balance is the key.

Getting out of your responsibilities,obligations,duties,compulsions is not possible-at all,at any point in life.However, adding a dash of what you really want to do-with or without any measurable result would give you that extra space to breathe :)

Just like how in school,we used to enjoy those sports and activity periods.Whether or not we were productive at those times,those were the moments that we always looked forward to.

Life will always be a never ending school.It will have its own time-table,things will have to be learnt,mistakes made and corrected,exam days and months,results will matter,duties will have to be discharged.But,we would also have some sunshine moments..where we do things we want to...and of course,you can always bunk and skip school..if you want to! ;)

Just for your own little bit of space to breathe...:)

--Damini Grover


Sunday, 27 July 2014

Quick Judgments!

It's human nature to just look at someone and quickly decide what sort of a person he/she is.Not even 'may be', 'could be', 'might be'...simply he/she 'is'.

Categories come easily to us, as though that was and is the prime objective for us.To meet people, talk to them, see them behave in a particular manner; for our own convenience or peace of mind, we label them as 'good',bad','weird','rude','annoying','sweet' etc


It doesn't really matter where the person is coming from,  or what kind of a situation he/she is in, at that particular moment or for many moments to come.


Why are we so quick to judge? to assume? to believe in our assumptions?


And it always feels good when we find out,  that our so-called 'judgment' about the person was correct.


"See!i told you he's like that only!" 


Where do these judgments come from? why is it so important for us to assume and believe in ,what we think about the people we meet?

If we happen to like someone, we believe that everything about him/her is good.

If we expect someone to behave in a certain way, and we witness quite the contrary; he/she becomes the 'not-so-good/bad person.

Sometimes, the first meeting with someone can make us envious of the way he/she is, or the things he/she has etc. 
Thus, we end up putting him/her in our 'not-so-like-able' list. Just the fact that deep inside we want to be like this person, sets off our 'ego' on a trip.

Nothing and no one can make us believe otherwise,  because we don't want to believe it.


Ego preservation at work you see ;)


The things we lack in ourselves; seeing them dancing and receiving the adulation from others up-front and for someone else, doesn't really create a very pleasant feeling..does it?


Human nature...survival instinct...ego preservation...all at work at once!


But can we do away with judging people completely?


May be not-because that's what our basic nature tells us to do- that's how we end up with being friends with people and staying away from those we don't like.


The problem perhaps,  is not 'judging people' per say.Rather, basing our judgments on half baked ideas and situations.


Looking at behavior without a consideration to the time,place and reason..is like a painting without a face-just the body-painted and sprayed, but no face to give it an identity.


Sometimes people act differently than who they actually are..


"Being judgmental about people is like throwing pebbles in still water;

what we see is a blurred image of who the person actually is"


damini grover

Monday, 30 June 2014

A little gyan

It's not important to live.
It's important to live well and to live life ,on your own.The fact is ,that it is our life and we are here, to make it the best possible life we can.If someone else had to live our life,or if we had to live our life based on others,it would cease to be ours anyway!

The fact is, that we all want a happy,comfortable life.But,without any price.Its like trying to sit on four pieces of furniture at the same time-which,is kind of..not possible!:D
After all,one bum divided into halves..where all can it sit at once!

But that's what we keep trying to do all the time.Want the best of the world,without trading anything.
Sit at home and dream of becoming a millionnaire..and then crib that nothing ever happens your way!But the fact is,that you never really moved your bum..to say the least!
Only if our wants,wishes,desires,ambitions,dreams etc could fly.They would just know when to come flying to us and everything would be super perfect!

It doesn't happen that way because that's not how life is meant to be.Life breathes,because we do.Life lives,because we do.After all,we are life..we live,breathe,feel,want,act..because we are alive and not just existing.

And for everything we do or want, there is a price that we have to pay.Sometimes, we trade money for some comfort.Sometimes its comfort for money.

Wouldn't it be strange that we walk in the rain,without any umbrella,raincoat etc and not have even a drop of water fall on us?

To live freely and happily, all it takes is a moment..to decide what works for us then and there.A little pain might give us a lifetime of happiness or satisfaction.
And sometimes,the game gets reversed.

No matter where you go,what you do...there's always a trade off...:)


damini grover

Friday, 16 May 2014

I keep walking..

I walk a little
and I walk some more..
Waiting for life to open its door..

A wait that waits, endlessly
A hope that hopes,hopelessly
A thought that comes and then thinks some more..

I keep walking
and waiting some more..

Friday, 9 May 2014

When you know that you don't know..

Amidst so many things that we keep doing day in and day out,there are bound to be some things that we have no clue about.

There are these blank moments..where you only have one phrase running through your mind-"I don't know".
It's like suddenly your world of knowledge,wisdom,ideas becomes a big zero.
Then starts the worry, the panic...and perhaps frustration."Why don't I know this?","How could I not know","What do I do now!"..and interestingly,this state of affairs prepares the base for some new ideas and insights.
In essence,its this zero that leads to more permutations and combinations.

There is nothing as absolute as knowing or not knowing.With so much information that we keep receiving and filtering constantly;we do know something about everything.How and when we use it, depends on what knocks on that particular department of our mind.

So this 'I don't know' is not really a genuine state of not knowing.Its a state wherein the mind switches off its active mode ,so that it can secretly work on 'knowing' what the issue is and what needs to be done at the moment.

And then comes a flash..a sudden shift in perception, called ' insight'; where everything falls into place and we seem to have just the right solution for everything!

This state of not knowing..is actually quite interesting.You know that you don't know.Yet,you also know that the answer will come for sure.

Perhaps,this " I don't know" is just a blanket that we slide under.So while we know that we don't know;we know, that the answer is just floating around.

Sometimes it takes longer and sometimes just a moment, to switch from "I don't know" to "I know" :)




Saturday, 29 March 2014

why friendships are important

We all give lot of importance to friends..to the very idea of friendship.By that I don't mean to say that you need to always do something extraordinary for someone or be perfect in every way possible,to be someone's friend.
Friendship is nothing but an extension of yourself...your friends reflect what you are,what you stand for,what you believe in.
Just like how our parents and siblings mean the world to us,so do our friends.Its not a revelation that m sharing.But just a simple fact..that sometimes we all tend to take for granted.

Every occasion that comes along in our lives,opens the door for all kinds of friends to walk in and be a part of it in some special way.
There are those whose mere presence is simply comforting.An tiny effort that they make for you,stays with you for years to come.Even though you may not talk everyday,may not share your life stories,but the fact that they somehow manage to be a part of your life.. is enough.

Then come the close buddies,with whom you have and you still share the tiniest of things!Without them life would seem just so boring and incomplete!You need them to make fun of you,to tell you how stupid u are,irritate the life out you...yet,be ready to kick anyone's ass for you!Its like they have the supreme right to poke  fun at you and dispel your secrets to the world.But,at the same time,no one else can even dare to think of the same!

Some friends are like those resting chairs..you just come back to them after a hard day...and you know that no one else can provide you the warmth,comfort and humor that they can.You don't have to say a lot to them..they just know what you're going through..and what exactly you need to pep u up :)

having friends is like having your own small family..a family that you build all throughout your life.A family that will keep growing and changing ,to meet your different needs at various stages in life.
Some friendships stay for life..some for a while..but we need these people..these nutcases whom we call friends...
with so many thoughts,feelings and emotions that we keep experiencing at different times in our lives,it makes perfect sense to have a bundle of friends...each to make u happy and put a smile to ur face :)

damini grover

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Marriage,Marriage and more..

We all grow up thinking and fantasizing about that day when we will get married to someone truly made for us. When that day arrives, it’s nothing short of being just perfect! Right from the clothes to kind of lights, decorations, music, ambience, people; it’s all about making the day wonderful and amazing.

Just being with that special someone, paints our life in a different hue. Some people find differences attractive and some revel in the similarities they share with their partners. At some point or the other in our lives, we do feel the need to find an anchor to hold us steady. But if marriage is the next and most obvious step to legitimize and sanctify the relationship, then what changes afterward?

Those who have been able to sustain their marriage, would probably know what it takes to hold on. Yet there are people, who enter this institution with fancy ideas, but can never understand the institution itself.

Marriage is like entering a new phase of life, a new beginning, and for some a phase of life they want to get out of, a life to be forgotten. Marriage is not just about giving a name to a long standing or heartfelt relationship. It’s about acknowledging that, you and I both have our own feelings, fantasies and expectations from this union and mine need to be fulfilled as much as yours. It’s about acknowledging that I may or may not change as a person and that you don’t need to be extraordinary yourself. Yet, some are still eluded by the pleasures of a happy married life and they find divorce closer to their hearts and sense of being.

If reasons like need for security, need for affection, appreciation, etc are the criteria to let someone enter this seemingly comfortable, yet complex institution, then perhaps the same reasons stem the departure from it as well. Whatever the broader reason may be –incompatibility, improper communication, infidelity, dissatisfaction etc, they all ultimately stem from the individual person himself.


The human mind and heart are both inexplicably restless as the existential quest to add meaning into our lives is never ending. The concepts by which we define our lives rapidly undergo a change in this fast paced world. What makes us happy at one moment, changes the next minute. It is the same restlessness that reduces the lifelong bond of marriage to a thought of a fickle minded child, and, it does not end here. Instead of learning from our past experience to try and make the future a little better, we cement the “I haven’t found my Mr or Mrs Right....” ideology leading us into a vicious circle of marriages and divorces. From one broken marriage to another, one divorce to another, some people can never know where they want to settle and how much of 'being secure' is actually secure.

As the relationship progresses, so do the needs and expectations. The understanding and fulfillment of those very needs and expectations is what keeps a relationship going. But, there are some souls who remain eternally dissatisfied from every relationship making marriage even more stifling. Perhaps when the partner has exhausted all the resources and energies on you and still you frown, it’s time to call it quits.

What really changes is the perception of the self and the partner and that change is neither noticed nor acknowledged. Traits, behaviors and habits that were once found to be attractive are now frowned upon. The number of phone calls that used to signify deep care and concern, suddenly begin to breach our privacy and space. Taking our partner for granted, comes easily to some and there are others who feel the relationship has lost its sheen.

It’s not about what marriage does to you always, but what you do to your marriage as well .It’s about two individuals sharing a life and not just the mere fulfillment of one person’s needs. Some people expect too much but give not even an iota of themselves to the relationship. Some are too rigid to let the winds of change affect them. Others can never trust their partners enough as their insecurities, fears and inadequacies overshadow their ability to see their partners as separate, living and not mere breathing individuals. There are plenty of reasons to mark the beginning of a cycle of suffocation, irritation, suspiciousness, nagging and dissatisfaction finally leading to a divorce.

Some people might make divorce a way of life, failing to realise that the reflection in the mirror is a mere projection of themselves and not who they really are. In this ever changing world of today, it’s easy to hide behind the blazing city lights and yet be enamoured by this bond. Perhaps to run away from the emptiness of their own lives, they move towards the glittering world of marriage. But how long can a relationship based on shaky and insecure foundations last?

It’s not that relationships, marriages or divorce is a complicated affair. It’s the thought behind that affair that starts getting complicated. Those who cannot change themselves, attempt to change the situation because changing their own selves would probably affect their sense of identity and way of living. Perhaps, it’s easier to take flight from an unexpected situation than to stand up and fight it out. For some, stability is all that they want from their partners and themselves while some find instability quite stable. Whatever the choice may be, it’s all about the perspective we take. The only thing that is different for a married man or woman and someone divorced, is perspective.

Damini Grover

Saturday, 25 January 2014

The gift of conditions



The gift of conditions


There is a purpose behind everything that you do, you are made to do...there is a learning behind it. A lesson that is supposed to stay with you, throughout your life.


Every time we end up losing something close to our heart, it breaks us-physically,mentally,emotionally.We feel as if things are just never going to be the same again.But what we fail to realize is ,that overtime, this loss ends up making us stronger than before.This strength need not be very obvious to us or to others. But something inside us changes.


Every time we do something that we dislike, hate or do out of mere obligation; it also brings out a different side to us. Many a times I do things for the sake of them. Its only afterwards that I realize, that may be consciously,I would have never done them. And if, that were to be the case,I would have never ended up helping someone. Better still,feeling good about the fact that I could make a difference in somebody else’s life.


There are lessons and small learnings everywhere around us. But there is just one thing that keeps us from grasping them-conditions.


“if this happens, then only I will feel good’


“if it doesn't go my way, what will I do”


“if I have to work with him/her, it’ll be a mess”


As it is there are these unknown conditions attached to life, to the very act of living. And here we are, adding more and more of them to make our lives even more miserable.


Every time we say or think something negative about ourselves, we attach an unsaid condition, that becomes more and more difficult to satisfy. Every time we tell ourselves “I am fat”,‘I don’t look good’ or ‘I am a loser’we are unconsciously telling ourselves, that “if i lose weight or look in a particular manner’, I would be more happy’ or ‘if I achieve this,then only I will be of some worth’.But its not true and somewhere we know that. Because happiness is not a state of ‘appearance’,its a state of mind.So we can do things that make us happy, feel good and our purpose will still be achieved.


In reverse, we can set goals for ourselves. We can simply say “I want to lose weight’ , “I want look better’ or “I want to achieve this’.


Its just a matter of rephrasing thoughts and words. By telling ourselves that if we behave in a particular way, then something would or wouldn’t happen, doesn’t spell out the fact that it is going to happen. These conditions are endless. I can keep adding more and more to every possibility.


We just keep winding ourselves up in this web of confusion. This web of conditions-that only limits us, stops us from achieving the goal we were meant to achieve or can achieve, by simply putting it up as a goal.


To add a bit of psychology, yes, these conditionals are something that we grow up with. A small statement like “if you do well, I will give you a chocolate’ can go a long way. Gradually these chocolates get replaced with bigger toys, gadgets, accessories, luxury items and sooner or later, our own sense of self worth and pride gets attached to them.


It’s as if we end up objectifying ourselves.


But the fact of the matter is, that even fulfilling these conditions-big or small, may or may not change us or inspire us for the better. Of course, those that do are good. But the only problem with them is, that they find a way to create these tiny black holes in our minds.


For conditions are addictive. They find their way from our waking state to our unconscious wishes and desires.


May be for once, we can try and not attach them to ourselves.May be we could try and talk in terms of goal states and wants and wishes, which not only set the ball rolling in one direction; but also guarantee an outcome. Somehow we are a little more prepared for the eventuality,when we can see both sides of the coin.


But every time I say ‘if this happens or doesn’t happen,then...” not only am I looking at both sides,but I am actually,unconsciously fearing for the opposite.And fear and anxiety ,probably,will never be our best friends.


Damini Grover