Monday, 29 May 2017

The art of feeling inferior

To feel is an art and seldom do we get it right.-Damini

Right from the day we are born, it is the world around us that tells us what attributes we have. What's good, what's bad, what needs improvement etc, is decided by other people around us,including our parents. 

All throughout our lives,our thoughts, feelings and beliefs are governed by these individuals, who by some power have the authority to determine who we are. 

Oh! She doesn't talk too much but he talks a lot! He isn't as fair as him but he's not as intelligent as him. You should be more outgoing, while you should be a little less and so on and so forth. 

By the time we grow up and embrace our reality, we realise that we haven't really grown up as fully functional beings. Rather, we are fragmented versions of ourselves;waiting for the world to put the pieces together so that we can make sense of ourselves. 

Constantly basing our judgments about our own sleeves, on the basis of those very people who are nothing more than fragments themselves.

Then  how does their world view come to encompass our very own? Despite having our own language, why do we hang on to their every word and wish to speak the same like a parrot? 

At the heart of every human being lies one simple wish - to be loved and accepted by the ones around us so that we can feel safe and secure in that very world, that fragmented our souls and left us to find the pieces and join them in some disconnected manner. 

And in the end, when half of our lives have gone by, we realize that we did everything except love ourselves. 

We ran behind everyone except ourselves. 

We were so busy making others happy, trying to live up to their utopian ideals of perfection, that we lost track of who we wanted to be. 

After feeling apologetic for simply being the way we were designed from the start, we didn't know who we were
What was left behind ,was just a fragmented version of ourselves where parts of us started seeming like  wholes.

Only if we could learn in time that the only love we need is the love that we have for ourselves, we wouldn't be the fragments we realise we are. 

Only if we could learn,that what we feel for ourselves is also an art.We can decide what we want to paint,the colors we want to use and whether to cherish what we have made of ourselves or simply start again.

We would still be flawed but at least we would be complete and in love with ourselves. And only then, we would truly embark on a journey taking us closer and closer to who we are truly meant to be - flawed and in love. 

Sunday, 28 August 2016

The Unfinished Story

She sat next to her phone, waiting for it to beep.. Like every other day.

Waiting for that one message, that one 'hi'  that would put a smile on her face for the whole day.. Sometimes the whole week.. or may be the month..

Her friends wondered what's wrong with her. Why does she always obsess about this one message? Agreed, she liked him. May be, he liked her too. Well, he never said it openly. 

Perhaps, she just assumed he did.

But she knew better. She didn't just like him;she loved him. It was that always, forever, eternal sort of love. 

A love, often seen in the movies, written about in books. A love, where there is a happy ever after, in its most absolute sense.

And she knew, he only liked her. He loved her as a friend.. or so he would say. 

He loved everything about her and would notice even the slightest change in her voice.

They were so tuned to each other, that she had begun to preempt those once a week messages and those fortnightly calls.

She would just sit by her phone and wait for time to fly by..

And then came those messages and that one call which was enough to send her heart racing to the mountains. It would give a purpose, a meaning to her existence.

And sometimes, she longed to know if that's how he felt too..

He would never say anything. Yet, they would talk for hours and hours together.

They shared their dreams and desires. 

What love meant to them, what they meant to each other. And with every passing day, her longing for him just grew..

She wished that one day, she would finally get her happily ever after...with him.

He never told her, how her strong and intense feelings for him, were making him feel edgy.

Did he actually, truly love her?

They had been together for years.. They had grown together and so had the demons within him.

Every time he told her, he loved her,in ways that only he could feel.. the demons grew stronger. 

He, who was incapable of love;was sharing a lie with her.

He was making her live that lie everyday. He gave her an unspoken promise about a happily ever after, everyday.. It pinched him.

And then the voices in his head grew louder and louder and began to drown his own voice, which said that he actually, truly, loved her..

How could he make a commitment? How could he have a happy ending? He shared his dreams and desires.. All right.

Wasn't that enough? And why was he doing that anyway?

He was happy and lost in his own world, before she came along. And then, he was at his happiest best. 

This scared him. His demons rose.

He wasn't meant for love. He was broken. He would break her too.

But he knew, her love was so powerful, that he wouldn't be able to break free.

But he had to.

She waited and waited that day. She knew that one message would come.. It should come..

The day went by, the night crawled.. Her phone beeped many times.. But she knew it wasn't him.

When the dawn came, she knew what she feared the most, had finally come to life.

She had her fairy tale.. Without her happily ever after.

She had her story... That never ended.

She had her love, that never got fulfilled.

She had finally woken up from her dream..unfinished... 

*This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda*

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

The Simplicity of Relationships

I don't know why,but we all like to believe (consciously or subconsciously) that relationships are difficult.It is this belief,that translates into our actions and ends up making relationships complicated as hell!

Sounds weird? May be.

Over the years,I have realized that we as humans have developed and nurtured this tendency to complicate and magnify things in our minds.With so much happening around us,so many demands to fulfill,so many personas to attend to; we cannot keep things simple.

Unfortunately, one of the things that is essential for our existence, our relationships,end up suffering.

When we have a train of thoughts running in our minds,when we are busy building up scenarios in our heads,how many times do we actually communicate properly as to what's happening?

Instead,we put our guards up-scream,shout,hurt the other person and then assume that he/she will understand.



Does it sound fair? 

Yet,we still do it.

How many times do we make the effort of expressing what we truly feel about something, before we blow up our fuse?

We base our relationships on the assumption that our partners (can be anyone-parents,siblings,spouse,friend,girlfriend,boyfriend) will understand everything that we do and will stand by us.

The only flaw in this assumption is,that we don't create room for what needs to be understood.

Relationships to be begin with,demand open channels of communication.You may trust someone,understand them,depend on them,love them to death.Yet,all this renders itself meaningless the minute communication becomes flawed.

Relationships are not about complains,arguments,sacrifices,name calling,demands etc.

They are about sharing.We are together because we would like to share our lives,experiences,memories,concerns,dreams with each other.

They are about growth-that we as individuals decide to grow together with each other and become the best that we can be.

They are about commitment-that no matter what,I'll be with you.

They are about emotions-that I understand what you're going through and I know,you do the same.

And more often than not,we don't communicate this to our loved ones at all.

Why guard yourself from the ones you think love you? 

Simply because,it may not turn out the way you would want it to?

Well, if that's the ultimate destination we create in our minds; we eventually lead ourselves there.

Relationships are simple.Every relationship needs to have an open channel of communication.

If two people cannot receive and understand the other person's views,the it's about time they start working on it.

Relationships are built on feelings.Yes,love is a feeling and equally important are many other feelings that we experience every day.

We all want to be heard and empathized with.But it's not possible if we don't communicate what we are feeling.

If I am irritated with something,it's much easier to just say what's bugging me ,rather than letting my partner continue with it and then flaring up later.

Focusing on what I am feeling at the present moment ,is a lot easier than hurting someone and then expecting them to understand.

We muddle things up.Work issues get mixed up with in-laws,kids get mixed up with wives or husbands,parents get mixed up with siblings etc. 

In essence,things are not that complicated.One person is not the source of all problems!We tend to generalize and multiply things.Why not focus on specifics?

We love to live in the past.Yes,what happened 10 years ago makes for a good story.But is it always limited to a story? Doesn't it find  a way to corrupt our present?

 Is it really that hard to focus on what's happening now and to deal with it effectively so as to create a better past for the future?

What we have understood needs to be communicated back because relationships and communication cannot be one-sided.Yet,many times we choose to ignore or take the route of silence as a temporary resort to the problem.

However,we end up losing the track of time which makes this ignorance or silence persist for long.

Thus,adding more issues to the already existing ones.

Yes,there is a certain level of complexity attached to every relationship and it will always be.But is there a need for us to add some of our own?

Times have changed.We as humans ,are traversing different paths and with time,doing it alone is just getting more and more difficult.

Perhaps,some small efforts can make our relationships go a long way.

It takes time.It takes patience and lots of conscious effort.But in the end,it's all worth it...isn't it?

*Due to some technical glitch,the colors are different.Please ignore.Hope you like the post!*

Monday, 2 May 2016

I am free

Let me be imperfect, I don't know how to please you. 

Let me be broken,I don't know how to piece you.

Let me not be a shadow, I don't know how to follow you.

Let me be alone,I don't know how to be with you. 

You can't be my light for I am not in the dark. 

You can't darken my world, that's filled with my light. 

You want me to walk but I know how to run. 

You want me to stop, but I know how to have some fun. 

I don't know how to listen to you for you don't know how to talk.. 

You can't listen to me because to myself.. I talk.

 I go on exploring this world so full of me.. I don't have time for yours.

 Perhaps you should do too and then you wouldn't be so busy with me.

You can't catch me for I am the wind.. I blow, I flow and wrap everything around me in my own air.

Wrapped in my own imperfections.. I am free.

Sunday, 13 March 2016

Holding on to the desire to let go

I don't know if there are some more people like me ,who are perpetually embroiled in an existential quest to find the meaning of their lives.People who often wake up with thousands of questions, 
about where their life is heading,where would they want to go,what would they like to be...

People who experience a sense of vacuum in their lives along with the never ending struggle to fill that vacuum.

People like me,whose lives are filled with dozens of 'I don't know' responses..
And sometimes this state of not knowing feels like a thousand daggers across the heart.

I mean how can you not know?

It's your life,your space,your dreams and hopes and all you can say is 'I don't know'.

What do you want? Why do you want it?Why don't you want it?What do you want to do ?
And so many more questions with just one answer...I Don't know.

How long will this not knowing last? And to that also,you get an 'I don't know'.

So then how will you become what you need to be? Where will life take you?
Isn't it better to just give up?

You can't go with the flow because that's not something you want.You can't direct your life anywhere in particular because you don't know..

 How about giving up?Give up the struggle to do everything,to be everything you ought to be?

Simply quit everything.

That should do the trick right?

May be yes,may be no.

How about changing this quitting and giving up to letting go?

Letting go of this struggle so that you can enjoy this state of not knowing.

Letting go of this desire to know everything; because if all mysteries are disclosed to us,where's the fun in life?

Letting go of this holding on to memories,emotions,events..

Letting go of this need to be everything because we are not meant to be everything.We are meant to be what we choose to be.And if we keep holding on to so many things and identities, that we think we 'ought to be';there won't be any room left for us to be what we choose to be.

We are not defined by the labels we give to ourselves.Rather,those labels are defined by our existence.

We exist first and then these labels are attached to us.

Are we born engineers,doctors,teachers,lovers,parents,employers?

At different points in time,we choose to get attached to certain identities.

But without realizing,we start getting consumed by them.And a time comes,where that one identity that we think defines us,gets blurred.

                                                      And that's when the struggle begins.

So why not let go of this desire to struggle and win? Because when we let go of this constant struggle to become,to choose,to reach,to acquire;we breathe a little more.And with every breath,we come closer to our own selves. We start enjoying this state of not knowing and before we know,our answer to most questions turn into 'I know...'

May be there's nothing known as quitting.You can't really give up on life...can you?

Perhaps life is and will always be an endless series of 'letting go...'

For when you let go of some things,you choose to move towards some more...

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Women and Weight!

Have you ever stopped and wondered about  what all you have to do each and every day? When was the last time you did something that you enjoy and actually enjoyed it? Don't you also think about the time when you used to be fit, active, slim, used to exercise, look good and feel good about yourself?

Often when you look at yourself now,you are clouded with negative thoughts about yourself. You wonder, "Where has all the time gone? Will it ever come back? Have I become less attractive than before? Why am I putting on weight? What can I do about it? Will I be able to do something about it?" or perhaps, you have just one thought," let it be..who cares".

Women are increasingly becoming more and more susceptible to hormonal imbalances and weight issues. Being overweight not only impacts their physical appearance, but psychological and emotional well-being as well. At some point or the other, all women have gone through this feeling of low self-esteem and a certain amount of dislike for themselves because of how they look. This is becoming increasingly common with married women.                                     

Here's why women are increasingly putting on weight and feeling depressed :

Responsibilities : We are modern, but not modern enough to understand that taking care of the house is not a woman's job only! The age old belief that women have to don multiple hats and discharge their duties as mothers, wives, daughter, daughters-in-law is still largely prevalent. Thus, leaving women with lesser and lesser time for themselves. With the advancement in age and the roles that women have to play, their 'me time' is heavily compromised. Many times, even if alternatives are available, women are left with little or no motivation to make that extra effort for themselves.

Duty to others greater than duty to ourselves: Sadly, that's what we women feel and this belief is deep-seated and strong. That's the belief we grow up with and nurture it all throughout. The mere fact that we need time off for ourselves, simply becomes an act of selfishness. Who wants to be called selfish right? So, we let go of the duty that we have towards ourselves and continue doing things for the betterment of others. This holds true not only for married women, but  single and working women as well. After all, in all spheres,others are always before us.

Neglecting the self: Due to the above mentioned situations, it is obvious that women end up neglecting themselves so much that they don't even realise that their bodies are getting affected. By the time they realise,their weight is through the roof,their self-image and self esteem takes a hit and a strong feeling of helplessness and depression sets in.

Poor emotional health: Not being able to take out time for ourselves, is not going to take us too far and in most cases it doesn't. Whether we are single, working, married, studying etc we need to be the center of our own universe. Being unfair to ourselves, is not a long term healthy practice and weight and other issues are a big price to pay for it. Long term emotional disturbances also wreak havoc on the mind and consequently the body. These days it's the poor emotional health leading to poor
physical health and well-being.

So, here's what women should do:

Respect yourself and your needs: It's really not that difficult as it seems. We have programmed ourselves to ignore our own thoughts, emotions and needs so much that the idea of respecting them seems distant. It's about time that we start listening to ourselves and paying attention to what we need in terms of  eating on time, rest, exercise, free time, pursuing a hobby, communication etc. If you respect and care for yourself, only then will others do the same. Otherwise, we all end up with that horrible 'taken for granted feeling.'

Communicate: The more women I meet, the more I find that they are unable to communicate with their partners or people around them. Lack of communication builds up frustration and anger which ultimately starts, disrupting the body's natural rhythm. Low mood, anger, frustration takes away our appetite, sleep and motivation.

Sleep: Women need to sleep and that too well! If you are facing difficulty in sleeping or are waking up in the middle of the night and it's been going on for a long time; it's about time you consulted a therapist.
Eat on time: It's sad to know that we find it convenient to let go off our food and timings for our family and other errands. And that's one of the major reasons why we end up putting on weight in the first place.

Do the things that you love: Yes, we have responsibilities and duties. But believe me, even having 15 mins to yourself and doing something that you enjoy, is a great stress buster! I'm sure we can manage that much at least!
Let not the numbers on the scale get the better of you! Numbers don't define you. You define the numbers. 

Take charge. Feel good. Stay healthy!

Sunday, 17 January 2016


We are humans. We love to love. There comes a time in all our lives, when we find that perfect someone. That someone, with whom we can envision our most beautiful days and the loveliest of the nights. Just the mere thought of that someone, gives a whole new meaning to life.

We end up doing things we have never done.We feel those emotions which we didn't even know existed within us. Our world turns upside down and we enjoy it.

Some say we get blinded by love. I say, we get consumed by love. It's not that we can't see what's happening.But just the fact that it's happening,is bigger than any other truth at that moment in time.

We are all incomplete in some or the other aspect and we're always looking for completion. Finding the love of our lives, is the greatest sense of completion one feels, when that actually happens.

No matter where you go, what you do, you always yearn to share a part of your life with that someone, who makes you feel so different.

And when that happens, it's exhilarating. To see that you mean something to someone, who in essence is so different yet similar to you, is a wonderful feeling.

Even one sided love brings to you similar  feelings and emotions. And along with that comes the yearning to make this perfect person, a part of your life forever.

But not everyone is lucky in love. Not everyone meets their idea of perfection in the first go.
Sometimes, the ideals of perfection are shattered. The exhilarating world ceases to exist. The cloud of emotions bursts on your head and hits you hard.

Everyone is looking for completion in some or the other ways and not all the ways will coincide.
But it's heartbreaking, to lose the love of your life.

And that's the end of life. The end of letting yourself experience through world the way you want to. The end of believing in love. The end of believing that you can find love again. Because the love that you wanted, was just so perfect. Nothing will ever match up to it.

It's the truth.

But not the complete truth.

The truth is, that all relationships come to us with a learning.When a relationship is fulfilled, it's not that the learning ends. Fulfillment of a relationship is not the learning. Rather, many, many small and big learnings and lessons lead to the fulfillment of a relationship.

Failure on the other hand, is not the end. It's also a lesson for fulfillment-for the soul.

First, it shatters the idea of perfection in our head. And that is good. Because in reality, perfection doesn't exist. It's just a standard that we set. It's a standard that can always be reworked and modified and updated.
And the best part is, that once this ideal is shattered,we learn to break out of our confines and look at ourselves and people for what they really are. Not what we assume, imagine or want them to be.

Broken or unfulfilled love teaches us to be patient. It leads us a little closer to ourselves. It shows us those facts of ourselves that would not have come out otherwise. Therefore, it makes us grow.

We all need that one jolt in life that forces us to evaluate our beliefs, values, thought processes, desires objectively.

And it's not just love for humans,but love in general is meant to complete the incomplete aspects of our existence.

And because it's such a powerful feeling and emotion;the loss and that unfulfilled love, also consumes us.
It may sound absurd, but objectively this consumption is also good in a way, because it teaches us to fight and come out stronger. We become like caterpillars waiting to become butterflies.

The only problem is, we don't focus internally.We focus on the sense of being consumed.

 We replay the incidents, the memories in our mind and hold on tightly to those emotions which were so right for that time. Not realizing, that what happened, happened for a reason. 

We might need to evaluate the whole situation in a different light. A light that is meant just for us.

Lost love won't come back. Those emotions, those moments are gone...

But what has stayed with us are those lessons which we need to pick up.

Because sometimes, thousands of broken pieces put together make a more fulfilling picture  than our 'perfectly' flawed one.